So I'm back. I read all the crap I've posted - and hell, what a drama queen I was. I think my English has kinda worsened, which I lament. Oh I learnt a new word yesterday: apocryphal. I forgot what it means, I'm sure I'll remember soon though. Lacking evidence? Something like this. QUESTIONABLE AUTHENTICITY! THERE WE GO! WOOHOO!
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Deterioration of Relationships
It has been some months where I have developed positive relationships with others, based on trust, love, and true friendship - but as time develops I observe imperfections and holes in their characters, which make me want to distance myself. There was one person who I thought I could possibly have an amazing friendship with, but she completely destroyed it with her insolent and discourteous behaviour - something I honestly never expected. It was tolerable to begin with, and I really didn't mind her being such a negative and criticising being, because I never wanted to 'destroy' the friendship, but I will definitely distance myself, almost completely, from her. In the long-run, I want absolutely no friendship remaining - which is a very sad thing, because she's extremely smart and I haven't met a single person who doesn't like her, she's authentique par excellence, and circumstanciates all scenarios very decisively. Almost this 'perfect' being, but with zero-leniency. I don't have the authority to judge her character, but it's something that has been getting on my nerves and now her character is intolerable.
Throughout my life, I didn't trust anybody, because trust is a very powerful and dominant tool of control - it can be used against you, if used imprecisely and neglectfully - as it has been done in high-school, a horrible and disgusting experience I would never want to face again, an experience I can never tell. So I decided to completely stay away from people, albeit me being a very social and understanding person, but after I met a few people in my university, I made trusting relationships, and now, I almost regret them.
Ever and anon, we are faced with choices; since the desire of all human beings is (ultimately) happiness, the pursuit of this goal may be very difficult, it can be found in the most unexpected places at the most dire times. This may make a person become very tempted, and make them head towards a 'forbidden fruit' to harvest the happiness. But as with all choices, come consequences; I believed that I will finally be free, and happy, but the consequences are becoming more and more apparent, I feel more and more secluded from reality, trapped in this little box of 'friends', who I hope will one day mean nothing to me.
Throughout my life, I didn't trust anybody, because trust is a very powerful and dominant tool of control - it can be used against you, if used imprecisely and neglectfully - as it has been done in high-school, a horrible and disgusting experience I would never want to face again, an experience I can never tell. So I decided to completely stay away from people, albeit me being a very social and understanding person, but after I met a few people in my university, I made trusting relationships, and now, I almost regret them.
Ever and anon, we are faced with choices; since the desire of all human beings is (ultimately) happiness, the pursuit of this goal may be very difficult, it can be found in the most unexpected places at the most dire times. This may make a person become very tempted, and make them head towards a 'forbidden fruit' to harvest the happiness. But as with all choices, come consequences; I believed that I will finally be free, and happy, but the consequences are becoming more and more apparent, I feel more and more secluded from reality, trapped in this little box of 'friends', who I hope will one day mean nothing to me.
Monday, March 17, 2008
The return...
I have returned... after months of not updating this 'blog', I think it's about time to do so.
Developments:
-Intrapersonal and Interpersonal relationships
-Building bridges of communication, love, hope, and trust with all.
-Shifting mindsets (way too often) / Paradigm shifts
-Disciplined and an immense growth of character.
December 1st, 2007 - I have done what I believe was the hardest thing I could ever possibly do in my life, something I thought would be almost impossible. It was very dangerous, I'm still living those dangers.
Developments:
-Intrapersonal and Interpersonal relationships
-Building bridges of communication, love, hope, and trust with all.
-Shifting mindsets (way too often) / Paradigm shifts
-Disciplined and an immense growth of character.
December 1st, 2007 - I have done what I believe was the hardest thing I could ever possibly do in my life, something I thought would be almost impossible. It was very dangerous, I'm still living those dangers.
I have completely lost communication with my dad, I haven't spoken to him for months - and as peculiar as it may sound, I feel indifferent. I know that there is some power I hold; I can consciously assert my authority, with regards to the scopes and limitations of life and society. Being ostracised from society my entire life always made me feel so weak and so pathetic; the lingo behind this is simple: society has never been merciful on me. Or, maybe I haven't made an effort to face it - but I grew up in a country where thinking was suppressed. Facing judgment is no problem for me, because it is too popularised and even propagated - but whatever, I don't care. Rousseau claims that humans are all born primitive and violent, and I've begun to believe it be true.
Friday, October 19, 2007
Character Discipline
What exactly has happened to me since February 28th 2007? Something definitely died. It's too abstract to define or shape, but it has happened. Something inside, someone living, died. I was so sad about it, whatever happened, was too weird, too hard to explain. It was too sad, too tiring, too powerful of a force that has overtaken my mind. It is not an illusion, I don't feel it is. Something that has existed inside me since childhood (or even birth) died, and triggered this intense character revolution. Too deep to explain, even I cannot untangle it - perhaps it was the syndromes of my complex mindset that died, but I should have been happy, instead I felt as if I have dilapidated... like some old building.
But I did learn something, it was the most valuable lesson in my entire life. Today, I'm not a confused person anymore, I feel so powerful and strong and feel as though I can finally prove myself. I feel freed, liberated, emancipated, from something dark. It's so much easier to make friends, I'm losing a lot of weight, I stopped smoking, I'm usually always happy - too many more positive things are happening; right now, none of the confusion of the past exists anymore. I can say that I am reborn.
(I write this in order to read it sometime in the future to try and understand what exactly is going on in my mind. If someone else wrote this I'd be like who the hell is this weirdo ? but oh well.. what can I say)
But I did learn something, it was the most valuable lesson in my entire life. Today, I'm not a confused person anymore, I feel so powerful and strong and feel as though I can finally prove myself. I feel freed, liberated, emancipated, from something dark. It's so much easier to make friends, I'm losing a lot of weight, I stopped smoking, I'm usually always happy - too many more positive things are happening; right now, none of the confusion of the past exists anymore. I can say that I am reborn.
(I write this in order to read it sometime in the future to try and understand what exactly is going on in my mind. If someone else wrote this I'd be like who the hell is this weirdo ? but oh well.. what can I say)
Sunday, August 12, 2007
A growing gap
As I develop my subconscious, I am indirectly developing my self-conscious, at least that's how I feel. I have no thesis or support to backup this statement, it is just how it feels. The problem with this revolutionizing mindset is a growing gap in the emotional spectrum. What I mean is, what triggered and ignited this 'revolution' will undoubtedly develop into a weakness, and the more I develop positively, the more I develop this weakness. This does make sense, I will explain a total random scenario, to explain what I mean:
A teenager lost his father, no doubt his entire emotional and mental spectrum will change and become unstable (limitation=time). Let's say he decides to become a stronger person, a more can't-take-shit-from-anybody type, the more he develops this spectrum, the greater he will develop a negative emotional scenario towards his father. To simplify this, he will change, but in two ways, one way would be to become tough/strong, and the other way would be to become weak when the topic focus is his father. The whole idea about bringing his father into the picture would be a sort of weakness for him.
OK, there, a random story, has some logic to it, and at least it conveys my message. This widening gap could bring about great emotional instability, and over time it just grows wider and wider, until a resolution is reached. OK, so not everything is going as planned, my next step now is to stop this 'revolution' and think of ways I could suppress my anti-conscience until I could reach a resolution.
This revolutionizing mindset has taken its toll, sometimes I think it's a little too dramatic, but what the fuck.. I guess that's just how I feel, I haven't ever been dramatic or a drama queen in front of anyone, and I don't intend to be.
A teenager lost his father, no doubt his entire emotional and mental spectrum will change and become unstable (limitation=time). Let's say he decides to become a stronger person, a more can't-take-shit-from-anybody type, the more he develops this spectrum, the greater he will develop a negative emotional scenario towards his father. To simplify this, he will change, but in two ways, one way would be to become tough/strong, and the other way would be to become weak when the topic focus is his father. The whole idea about bringing his father into the picture would be a sort of weakness for him.
OK, there, a random story, has some logic to it, and at least it conveys my message. This widening gap could bring about great emotional instability, and over time it just grows wider and wider, until a resolution is reached. OK, so not everything is going as planned, my next step now is to stop this 'revolution' and think of ways I could suppress my anti-conscience until I could reach a resolution.
This revolutionizing mindset has taken its toll, sometimes I think it's a little too dramatic, but what the fuck.. I guess that's just how I feel, I haven't ever been dramatic or a drama queen in front of anyone, and I don't intend to be.
Thursday, July 12, 2007
Presenting this unique scenario (What I mean by revolution)
The reason I will be writing this is not to draw attention or to prove myself, but to propose a new idea, a new perception, something that was totally unexpected from me, Anto. I am just an ordinary figure, what is important is what I have done, and what I'm currently doing, and what I will do in the future, I, the person, am not the attention, this new character plateau however, is. it is just to show a whole new wave of thought, one that is possible. It could be an example to others, an inspiration (whatever), or just an interesting read.
Many people have asked me "how I'm doing" and I reply "I'm revolutionizing", others would just look at my msn nickname and be like WTF is he saying ?
For months I've been keeping everything on hold, and in some sense, 'isolating' myself, to initiate a whole new character plan, a revolution, to change everything in my life - from actions, to reactions, to emotions, to physical appearance, to perceptions, to perspectives, to all things that make the human what he is.
This means, I would live under instability for a while - for example, I would act differently with people today, then I would have a month ago, it's just to try out and test different characters, to discover myself, in order to change from my previous state, to a completely new one - so this is an internal revolution - What does a revolution mean ? Here are some definitions:
-a drastic and far-reaching change in ways of thinking and behaving; "the industrial revolution was also a cultural revolution"
-A revolution is a relatively sudden and absolutely drastic change. This may be a change in the social or political institutions over a relatively short period of time, or a major change in its culture or economy.
-Rapid and extensive culture change generated from within a society.
The primary, root objective of revolution is change. Revolutions, however, do not apply only to society and politics, they can also apply to the individual. Imagine you are living in a country where the masses are unhappy with the political status quo, but are weakened by fear and dominance because of a potent and powerful political regime, preferably a dictatorship, eventually, over a long period of time, what will happen ? No doubt, the masses will rise and create a revolution. A living breathing example of this was the Cedar Revolution in my own country, Lebanon, in 2005.
Lets apply this political/social situation to the individual. When a person has, for a very long time, been unhappy with himself, eventually there will reach a point where the person cannot take it anymore, some people break down, others commit suicide, others become hopeless - but, only the willful and powerful would have the might and tendency to change. It is one of the hardest goals in life, change. When we look at a revolution, things don't 'automatically' become perfect and stable, often, in the first steps of a revolution, there is unemployment, political instability, riots, an uncomfortable social situation, and whatnot. So, in the beginning, everything goes down. So there has to be sacrifices made and a strong determination and will, to strive for a better future. After a while, maybe months and years, things slowly start looking brighter.
In my case, this revolution was necessary, there was no choice for me but to go through it, and because I have a solid philosophical and psychological background, it was only commonplace to 'create' something a little out of the ordinary, and that is, placing certain 'degrees' and 'steps' to how much I've changed and how much more I can change, which are represented by a percentage. (i.e. my revolution has reached 5%). In this case, when I place a percentage, it means I have placed limits, because I am implying a value. But, how can I 'limit' how much I change ? Who can predict a 'limitation' to a revolution ? The answer is a very complicated one, because this revolution is only one part of change, I have placed values because I have planned it, the revolution itself consists of many steps I have to accomplish, some very easy, others extremely difficult. The steps are the revolution itself, but the external third-party outcomes are outside the framework of the revolution. So, the revolution is planned, but the 'side-effects' are not - and most probably, the side-effects will be extreme too, there is no drama involved in this.
The equation I have created is C = K pC lim=conscience. This means Change is directly proportional to the potential to Change. The only limitation to this is the conscience, the mental state, the desire to 'stop' or slow change. I have given much thought to this, do not forget, awkwardness only lies in your misconceptions.
But it has started, I am optimistic, I will be waiting and I just need a bit more time. This is not only to prove to myself, but it is also to prove to others. Is this normal coming from me ? No, it's not, it's completely new to me too. I am open to criticism and mockery, change usually has an unfavorable light to how others perceive it, but nevertheless I will continue, and pass all obstacles to reach my goals. Whatever it takes, I am confident I will reach my goals, this is just the beginning.
Many people have asked me "how I'm doing" and I reply "I'm revolutionizing", others would just look at my msn nickname and be like WTF is he saying ?
For months I've been keeping everything on hold, and in some sense, 'isolating' myself, to initiate a whole new character plan, a revolution, to change everything in my life - from actions, to reactions, to emotions, to physical appearance, to perceptions, to perspectives, to all things that make the human what he is.
This means, I would live under instability for a while - for example, I would act differently with people today, then I would have a month ago, it's just to try out and test different characters, to discover myself, in order to change from my previous state, to a completely new one - so this is an internal revolution - What does a revolution mean ? Here are some definitions:
-a drastic and far-reaching change in ways of thinking and behaving; "the industrial revolution was also a cultural revolution"
-A revolution is a relatively sudden and absolutely drastic change. This may be a change in the social or political institutions over a relatively short period of time, or a major change in its culture or economy.
-Rapid and extensive culture change generated from within a society.
The primary, root objective of revolution is change. Revolutions, however, do not apply only to society and politics, they can also apply to the individual. Imagine you are living in a country where the masses are unhappy with the political status quo, but are weakened by fear and dominance because of a potent and powerful political regime, preferably a dictatorship, eventually, over a long period of time, what will happen ? No doubt, the masses will rise and create a revolution. A living breathing example of this was the Cedar Revolution in my own country, Lebanon, in 2005.
Lets apply this political/social situation to the individual. When a person has, for a very long time, been unhappy with himself, eventually there will reach a point where the person cannot take it anymore, some people break down, others commit suicide, others become hopeless - but, only the willful and powerful would have the might and tendency to change. It is one of the hardest goals in life, change. When we look at a revolution, things don't 'automatically' become perfect and stable, often, in the first steps of a revolution, there is unemployment, political instability, riots, an uncomfortable social situation, and whatnot. So, in the beginning, everything goes down. So there has to be sacrifices made and a strong determination and will, to strive for a better future. After a while, maybe months and years, things slowly start looking brighter.
In my case, this revolution was necessary, there was no choice for me but to go through it, and because I have a solid philosophical and psychological background, it was only commonplace to 'create' something a little out of the ordinary, and that is, placing certain 'degrees' and 'steps' to how much I've changed and how much more I can change, which are represented by a percentage. (i.e. my revolution has reached 5%). In this case, when I place a percentage, it means I have placed limits, because I am implying a value. But, how can I 'limit' how much I change ? Who can predict a 'limitation' to a revolution ? The answer is a very complicated one, because this revolution is only one part of change, I have placed values because I have planned it, the revolution itself consists of many steps I have to accomplish, some very easy, others extremely difficult. The steps are the revolution itself, but the external third-party outcomes are outside the framework of the revolution. So, the revolution is planned, but the 'side-effects' are not - and most probably, the side-effects will be extreme too, there is no drama involved in this.
The equation I have created is C = K pC lim=conscience. This means Change is directly proportional to the potential to Change. The only limitation to this is the conscience, the mental state, the desire to 'stop' or slow change. I have given much thought to this, do not forget, awkwardness only lies in your misconceptions.
But it has started, I am optimistic, I will be waiting and I just need a bit more time. This is not only to prove to myself, but it is also to prove to others. Is this normal coming from me ? No, it's not, it's completely new to me too. I am open to criticism and mockery, change usually has an unfavorable light to how others perceive it, but nevertheless I will continue, and pass all obstacles to reach my goals. Whatever it takes, I am confident I will reach my goals, this is just the beginning.
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
The Loud Introduction
To all those children who wish to underestimate or mock my new, peculiar approach to change, I will tell you, there is no need to invoke the mindset of awkwardness or mockery towards my unorthodox testimony, for awkwardness only lies in your misunderstanding, misconceptions, misinterpretations, misconduct, ignorance, and arrogance. Keeping my ideas and thoughts clandestine, I will only introduce partially, the new wave of thought that will cause a complete 180 degree character change. It will come along with physical, metaphysical, mental, and emotional change, already all this is happening - I can no longer withhold or withstand my subtle, quiet, observant self anymore. There is no forecasting the outcome, but whatever it is, this revolution was necessary. It also involves an amalgamation of philosophical and psychological steps.
Here is the truth, in simple English: If a person tells another person his emotions, his feelings, his true character, the other person would indirectly have control and some sort of authority and power towards him - the hardest and most valued attribute one could give, is trust. Trust could be used as a tool of control, manipulation, and demolition, or harmony, bliss, chastity, and fidelity. Everyone has something he could not trust someone else with, but I hope the shell of "quiet" is broken, and I hope it is an example to others. This testimony automatically gives the reader power over me, the reader could mock and humiliate and simply think this is all weird, but let me repeat: there is no need to invoke the mindset of awkwardness or mockery towards my unorthodox testimony, for awkwardness only lies in your misunderstanding, misconceptions, misinterpretations, misconduct, ignorance, and arrogance.
WITH THE POWER OF TRUTH,
I, WHILE LIVING,
HAVE CONQUERED THE UNIVERSE.
I am trusting you, the reader, with my truth, a very powerful step, it is to rid myself of all guilt, and to associate my being-for-myself and being-for-others, something that is necessary to continue revolutionizing. The duality of my being-for-myself and my being-for-others permits the same possibilities of inauthenticity as does the duality of facticity and freedom.
From February 28th 2007, I have introduced a whole new revolutionary phase in my life, one that is still on its way. It is a complete internal revolution, I know that this revolution will result in a paradigm shift. The emotional-orientated aspect of human attitudes (such as love, hate, admiration) are always subtle and alluring, but all these attitudes will reduce, on one way or another, to some form of sadism or masochism. This is a very intriguing phrase if you understand it. Masochism is a desire to be a tool for others, to be manipulated, looked at, and humiliated. Sadism is a desire to look at others, to reduce them to tools, to manipulate, and humiliate them. For example, when you are in love, either you would want to be looked at by your lover, or you would want to have control over your lover.
I will not cause revelation, yet. The perpetual "what-if" will always stay in my mind, but by the mighty wave of a revolution, which may last for years or decades, will prove to me my own strength, my own potency, the true power of my character. A complete revolution can and will never take place, but a tendency towards a complete revolution will.
WE EITHER SUFFER AND DISINTEGRATE EMOTIONALLY,
OR BECOME STRONGER THROUGH THE STRUGGLE.
But this is not enough, so far I just presented a utopian image, but.. the mind and the (metaphoric) heart are two separate entities. There is one thing I cannot conquer, I will not say it now. It has taken over 80% of my mind, I cannot spend an hour without thinking about it. It has become such a huge weakness for me, that should be left unspoken of, I can not be left vulnerable yet. This is my only weakness, what/who has triggered the complete change in character is the weakness itself. There is no planning or forecasting an outcome in a revolution, but this unprecedented emotion that I've kept dormant all my life has awoke, amplifying the importance of emotional stability. The outcome however, will be extreme; either I will have complete emotional stability, or complete emotional instability. This is the chance I will have to take.
Here is the truth, in simple English: If a person tells another person his emotions, his feelings, his true character, the other person would indirectly have control and some sort of authority and power towards him - the hardest and most valued attribute one could give, is trust. Trust could be used as a tool of control, manipulation, and demolition, or harmony, bliss, chastity, and fidelity. Everyone has something he could not trust someone else with, but I hope the shell of "quiet" is broken, and I hope it is an example to others. This testimony automatically gives the reader power over me, the reader could mock and humiliate and simply think this is all weird, but let me repeat: there is no need to invoke the mindset of awkwardness or mockery towards my unorthodox testimony, for awkwardness only lies in your misunderstanding, misconceptions, misinterpretations, misconduct, ignorance, and arrogance.
WITH THE POWER OF TRUTH,
I, WHILE LIVING,
HAVE CONQUERED THE UNIVERSE.
I am trusting you, the reader, with my truth, a very powerful step, it is to rid myself of all guilt, and to associate my being-for-myself and being-for-others, something that is necessary to continue revolutionizing. The duality of my being-for-myself and my being-for-others permits the same possibilities of inauthenticity as does the duality of facticity and freedom.
From February 28th 2007, I have introduced a whole new revolutionary phase in my life, one that is still on its way. It is a complete internal revolution, I know that this revolution will result in a paradigm shift. The emotional-orientated aspect of human attitudes (such as love, hate, admiration) are always subtle and alluring, but all these attitudes will reduce, on one way or another, to some form of sadism or masochism. This is a very intriguing phrase if you understand it. Masochism is a desire to be a tool for others, to be manipulated, looked at, and humiliated. Sadism is a desire to look at others, to reduce them to tools, to manipulate, and humiliate them. For example, when you are in love, either you would want to be looked at by your lover, or you would want to have control over your lover.
I will not cause revelation, yet. The perpetual "what-if" will always stay in my mind, but by the mighty wave of a revolution, which may last for years or decades, will prove to me my own strength, my own potency, the true power of my character. A complete revolution can and will never take place, but a tendency towards a complete revolution will.
WE EITHER SUFFER AND DISINTEGRATE EMOTIONALLY,
OR BECOME STRONGER THROUGH THE STRUGGLE.
But this is not enough, so far I just presented a utopian image, but.. the mind and the (metaphoric) heart are two separate entities. There is one thing I cannot conquer, I will not say it now. It has taken over 80% of my mind, I cannot spend an hour without thinking about it. It has become such a huge weakness for me, that should be left unspoken of, I can not be left vulnerable yet. This is my only weakness, what/who has triggered the complete change in character is the weakness itself. There is no planning or forecasting an outcome in a revolution, but this unprecedented emotion that I've kept dormant all my life has awoke, amplifying the importance of emotional stability. The outcome however, will be extreme; either I will have complete emotional stability, or complete emotional instability. This is the chance I will have to take.
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